My Journey Beyond Veganism

Crafting this narrative has been a deeply personal and often challenging endeavor. I wrote and rewrote drafts multiple times, sharing them with a select few trusted friends for their honest feedback, only to eventually discard them all and start anew, writing from the core of my heart. The sensitivity of this topic, especially within the passionate vegan community, weighed heavily on me.

As the title of this article reveals, I am no longer vegan. This statement, I understand, may come as a shock to many who have followed my journey and perhaps even adopted aspects of a plant-based diet themselves.

I want to express my sincere apology for any disappointment, confusion, or even anger that this revelation might evoke. My intention is only to share my truth, hoping to foster understanding rather than division.

My vegan journey began in 2010, and for nearly three and a half years, I meticulously followed a whole foods, plant-based version of this lifestyle. During that initial period, I experienced remarkable improvements in my health. Chronic migraines, which had plagued me for years, subsided. My seasonal allergies significantly diminished, and the persistent anxiety that once shadowed my days became much more manageable. This period was incredibly transformative; I delved deep into nutrition science, learning extensively about the intricacies of food production, ethical considerations, and environmental impact. My conviction was absolute – I genuinely believed I would never consume animal products again. This belief was rooted not only in the tangible health benefits I observed but also in a profound sense of ethical alignment and a desire to contribute positively to the planet. It felt like a holistic solution, and I was a passionate advocate for its potential.

Many of you who have followed my story might also recall that in 2012, approximately two years into my vegan journey, I was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on my thyroid gland. The tumor was successfully removed, and to the best of my knowledge, I am now fully cured. However, the physical and psychological ramifications of this experience proved far more complex and enduring to heal. These ramifications are critically relevant to this discussion, as I believe the cancer diagnosis and subsequent recovery period left me in a fragile and vulnerable state, both mentally and physically.

The immediate aftermath of my cancer diagnosis profoundly altered my relationship with food. What was once a source of nourishment and enjoyment, and a pillar of my ethical convictions, quickly transformed into an object of intense scrutiny and anxiety. I began to categorize foods strictly as “good” or “bad,” questioning every single bite. Each meal became an interrogation: “Will this feed cancer cells? Is this pure enough? Am I doing enough to prevent recurrence?” This relentless internal questioning turned food, paradoxically, into an enemy rather than a source of health and vitality. The joy of eating was replaced by fear, and the pursuit of a healthy diet, even a plant-based one, morphed into an obsessive quest for control in a world that suddenly felt very out of control. This hyper-vigilance, while stemming from a desire for healing, ultimately created an unhealthy dynamic with my food choices, contributing to an underlying stress that my body was ill-equipped to handle.

As 2013 drew to a close and 2014 began, a growing sense of frustration and bewilderment set in. Despite my unwavering commitment to a whole-foods, plant-based vegan diet, and having seemingly recovered from cancer, my body simply wasn’t “bouncing back.” Instead, I started to experience a cluster of debilitating symptoms that progressively worsened, signaling a significant decline in my overall health. It became clear that something was profoundly amiss, and my current dietary approach was no longer supporting my well-being.

I developed severe insomnia, leaving me perpetually exhausted and unable to achieve restful sleep. Amenorrhea, the absence of menstrual periods, became a concerning reality, indicating a disruption in my hormonal balance. Hot flashes, typically associated with menopause, began to plague me, adding to my discomfort and confusion. My nails became incredibly brittle, a visible sign of potential nutrient deficiencies. A cloud of depression settled over me, making daily life an immense struggle, and I experienced a complete, pervasive lack of energy that made even simple tasks feel monumental. Furthermore, and perhaps most alarmingly, I noticed a recurrence of binge eating and restrictive eating patterns – behaviors I had not experienced since my adolescence. This cycle of deprivation followed by intense cravings and overeating was a dangerous and distressing path, reminiscent of past struggles that I believed I had long overcome. These symptoms were not isolated incidents; they were a systemic breakdown, signaling that my body was under immense stress and failing to thrive on the diet I had so carefully cultivated. The irony was not lost on me: I was following what I considered to be the healthiest diet, yet my health was deteriorating rapidly. The cognitive dissonance was profound and deeply unsettling.

For more detailed insights into managing fatigue within a vegan framework, you might find my article on how to fight fatigue on a vegan diet to be a helpful resource. While written from a time when I was still vegan, it reflects the challenges I was actively trying to address.

Faced with a mounting array of distressing symptoms and a profound sense of physical and emotional depletion, I knew I had to make a change. This was not a decision taken lightly; it was born out of extensive research, countless hours of self-reflection, and invaluable consultations with several trusted doctors and health professionals. I recognized the immense power of good nutrition on both the mind and body, and my goal was to find a dietary approach that truly supported my healing and long-term well-being, even if it meant diverging from my established vegan principles.

My initial approach was to meticulously experiment with different variations of the vegan diet, hoping to optimize it to address my specific health needs. I carefully incorporated various plant-based protein powders to boost my protein intake and significantly increased my consumption of nutrient-dense foods like beans, lentils, a wider variety of nuts, seeds, and carefully selected soy products. Additionally, I explored adjunctive therapies such as bright light therapy to combat the persistent depression and lack of energy. These adjustments offered some marginal improvements, providing a glimmer of hope that a purely plant-based solution might still be viable. However, these changes, while helpful, proved insufficient to fully resolve the pervasive and debilitating symptoms I was experiencing.

The next difficult step involved introducing supplements that, while highly beneficial, were not strictly vegan. After careful consideration and professional advice, I started taking a high-quality, broad-spectrum probiotic to support gut health, as I suspected digestive imbalances might be contributing to my issues. More significantly, I began supplementing with a high-dose, fish-based EPA supplement, specifically for its well-documented anti-inflammatory and mood-stabilizing properties. These additions offered further relief, but they represented a clear departure from my 100% plant-based commitment. It was a challenging ethical compromise, yet my health had become so compromised that these steps felt necessary for survival.

Finally, and most recently, after much internal debate and with the guidance of my healthcare team, I made the profoundly difficult decision to reintroduce certain animal foods into my diet. This transition began cautiously, primarily with ethically sourced eggs and then progressed to include various types of meat, with a strong emphasis on fish due to its nutritional profile. This was not a sudden leap, but a gradual, deliberate, and emotionally charged process, driven solely by the imperative to reclaim my health and vitality. Each step was met with careful observation of my body’s response, seeking to understand what nutrients or components my system was desperately needing that a purely plant-based diet, for me, was unable to provide.

The result of these dietary changes, particularly the reintroduction of animal products, has been nothing short of transformative for my health and overall well-being. I am undeniably feeling better. Over the past two months and beyond, I’ve experienced a profound and measurable shift. My sleep, which had been erratic and unrefreshing for so long, has become significantly more sound and consistent. I now wake up feeling genuinely rested, a sensation I hadn’t experienced in years. My energy levels, once fluctuating wildly and often plummeting to debilitating lows, have finally stabilized. I no longer experience the crushing fatigue that made daily life a struggle.

Perhaps even more significantly, my very near obsession with food and the restrictive eating patterns that had crept back into my life have virtually disappeared. The constant mental battle over what to eat, how much to eat, and the guilt associated with food choices has largely dissipated, replaced by a more peaceful and intuitive relationship with nourishment. Consequently, my mood is overall much, much better. The persistent depression has lifted, and I feel a renewed sense of emotional balance and resilience that had been absent for too long. While I am not claiming to be in perfect health, and I certainly still have challenging days, overall I feel as if I am actively healing and progressing toward a state of robust well-being.

My healing journey is ongoing, and I continue to work closely with a professional therapist to address the deeper emotional and psychological aspects of my relationship with food and my body. I also rely heavily on the wisdom of the book Intuitive Eating as my primary guide for this crucial emotional work. I recognize that the long-term effects of this new way of living will take more time to fully manifest and to see quantifiable results, but based on the dramatic improvements I’ve experienced so far, this is unequivocally the route I am committed to taking for my health.

It is crucial for me to emphasize that I am not suggesting in any way that a 100% vegan diet cannot work for some people. My experience is deeply personal and should not be generalized. Given my unique health history, particularly my cancer diagnosis and the subsequent symptoms, I acknowledge that I may not be the best example to showcase the long-term viability of a purely plant-based diet for everyone. I don’t possess all the definitive answers as to precisely why I could not sustain a purely plant-based diet in the long run.

However, I suspect that my individual body chemistry might require higher quality, more bioavailable protein sources than what I was able to consistently extract from a purely plant-based diet, or perhaps my digestive system wasn’t functioning optimally enough to efficiently absorb all the necessary nutrients. And, unequivocally, my complex health history has played a significant and undeniable impact on how I feel and how my body functions today. My journey underscores the fact that dietary needs are incredibly individual, and what works beautifully for one person may not be suitable for another.

[Editor’s note: For those seeking a more in-depth understanding of the potential pitfalls and considerations associated with a fully plant-based approach, I have compiled a comprehensive post on the dangers of a vegan diet. This article delves into further details about the problems that can potentially arise when you eliminate all animal products from your diet, offering a balanced perspective for informed decision-making.]

One of the most significant and emotionally taxing “costs” of this dietary change from a vegan lifestyle has been its impact on my deeply held ethical convictions regarding animals. For years, I dedicated myself to educating myself thoroughly about animal welfare issues, factory farming, and the environmental implications of industrial animal agriculture. My profound concern for animals was, in fact, the very impetus that led me to veganism in the first place. I genuinely believe I was an ethical vegan in the truest sense, diligently trying every possible permutation of a plant-based diet, every supplement, and every strategy to avoid the need to consume animals again.

Now, as I reincorporate animal products, I am making every conscious effort to choose ethically-sourced options, prioritizing producers who adhere to higher welfare standards and sustainable practices. However, I acknowledge that even with these efforts, it does not completely erase the intrinsic guilt associated with my choices, in the sense that I am still, to some degree, contributing to animal agriculture. This internal conflict is a constant companion on my plate. Nevertheless, I am firmly committed to continuing my education about these complex issues, supporting more humane and sustainable food systems wherever possible, and remaining open to the possibility of further personal and dietary evolution in the future as new knowledge emerges. My compassion for animals remains undiminished, even if my dietary practice has adapted.

If you are contemplating a similar transition, you may also find my article on how to re-introduce meat after a vegan diet to be a valuable guide and resource.

If you are reading this and feel a sense of support, understanding, or even relief that I am making the necessary choices for my personal health, then I truly appreciate that empathy. Your understanding means a great deal to me. However, I am also fully aware that not everyone will feel this way. I vividly recall my past self, reading about individuals who had transitioned away from veganism, and feeling a distinct sense of judgment for their decisions. At that time, deeply entrenched in my own vegan convictions, I honestly could not comprehend what could possibly lead others to “go back” from a lifestyle that I perceived as unequivocally superior in every aspect. My perspective has since evolved dramatically, fueled by my own challenging health journey.

Ultimately, I have come to the profound realization that dietary choices are deeply personal, individual, and incredibly nuanced. Therefore, I cannot, and will not, tell anyone whether they should or shouldn’t be vegan. My experience is mine alone. If you are able to embrace a vegan diet, feel truly nourished, vibrant, and energetic on it, then I wholeheartedly believe there are proven health benefits to be gained. Furthermore, for many, it represents a more compassionate and environmentally sustainable way of living, aligning with deep ethical values. I still feel a strong commitment to doing what I can to help animals and to be a responsible steward of our environment, irrespective of my personal dietary shifts.

I understand that sharing such a personal and potentially controversial decision may result in a change in my relationship with some of you, my cherished readers and friends. The differences in our values, particularly concerning dietary ethics, may indeed be perceived as a “deal-breaker” for some. It is only natural that some connections may evolve or even grow apart when core beliefs diverge, although I sincerely do not wish for that to happen. My hope is that my journey can foster a space for honest dialogue and mutual respect, even amidst differing viewpoints.

As always, I remain open to your thoughtful questions, respectful concerns, and constructive comments. However, please know that I will not tolerate hurtful, judgmental, or derogatory comments. For my readers and friends who continue to connect with the essence of my journey, my commitment to health, and my desire for authenticity, I thank you most sincerely. I couldn’t be more excited about continuing on this evolving path with you, wherever it may lead.

*I want to clarify explicitly that I do not believe a vegan diet caused my cancer, nor do I believe I will ever definitively know the exact cause of my thyroid cancer. My dietary transition was a response to the symptoms that emerged *after* my cancer treatment, when my body was struggling to regain health.

**I feel obligated to reiterate my professional disclaimer here: I am not a licensed medical doctor or health professional. Therefore, I am not offering medical advice, nor am I able to respond to specific questions about your individual health situation. Please consult your qualified health professional or medical doctor before making any significant changes to your diet or health regimen.